Moving Abroad as an Accompanying Partner

by Rebecca Wells


If you’re an accompanying partner/spouse who is planning to move abroad or who has already taken the plunge you’ll be experiencing some unique feelings and challenges. Having moved myself from London to Sydney as an accompanying spouse I can fully appreciate the nervousness, frustration and anxiety you might be experiencing and would like to share some ideas to help you settle, adapt and start to enjoy your new life abroad more quickly.


1. Overcoming pre-departure nerves
If you’re moving abroad because your partner’s been transferred with work it might mean your own life and career will have to be put on hold momentarily. This is a fairly unnerving experience as you start to think about what your life abroad will be like for you personally. Perhaps you’re moving with children and you’re concerned about how it may affect them. You might be worried about leaving family behind and in some cases they might be unhappy, or even hostile, about your decision to emigrate. Tip: Focus on your positive reasons for moving, reassure family you’re not moving to the Moon(!) and can be contacted at any time, do as much research as you can before you leave and set realistic expectations of what you’ll practically be able to do straight away. Although you may be keen to get a job as soon as possible, it may be necessary for you to sort out a property, furniture, schools etc first! If you plan and prepare as much as possible before you leave, it will definitely help you settle more quickly after you’ve arrived.

2. Conquering feelings of loneliness and homesickness
These feelings affect some people more than others, at different stages and in varying intensities. If you’ve moved as an accompanying partner, and your spouse started working as soon as you arrived, loneliness can be an even more powerful and sometimes crippling sensation.You might experience the feeling of being ‘left behind’ or think you’ve ‘lost control’. You may see your partner making friends through work whilst you’re still struggling to adapt to your new environment. Tip: Accept that this is normal, communicate how you feel to your partner and keep in regular touch with home. It’s all about getting into routines again and being proactive about creating the life you want. I’d also recommend you don’t have a regular day/time when you call your folks back home just in case you can’t make it one week, they panic and call the missing persons bureau or the police!

3. Boosting your confidence
When you move abroad, you might find that things you were really confident doing back home are suddenly really hard to face. Just the thought of going out and meeting new people can be extremely daunting. It’s important to remind yourself that you've done these things before and can consequently do them again.Tip: On the day you’ve arranged to meet new people let the adrenaline that builds up push you towards the fear rather than away from it. Being pushed out of your comfort zone can make you feel a little sick but it’s actually a good thing; it means you’re growing and experiencing new things, which was probably one of your reasons for moving abroad in the first place! If the worst comes to the worst you can always make an excuse to leave early - but nine times out of ten you’ll probably have a great night out, so be brave and go for it!

4. Coming to terms with being financially dependent
Lots of people who move overseas as accompanying partners find themselves being, at least initially, financially dependent on their spouses. This can be really frustrating and make you feel uncomfortable. Tip: The best way to deal with it is to accept it and remind yourself of the positive reasons you both decided on this arrangement to start with. If you still really don’t enjoy it, decide to do something about it before it starts to make you really unhappy.

5. Starting a new career
Lots of accompanying partners find job hunting frustrating and get despondent because they can’t find a job (a) at the right level/salary (b) in the right industry (c) that offers flexible hours or (d) fast enough!

Tip: Stay patient and focused on what you want. Most overseas job markets are favourable towards skilled UK immigrants and there are plenty of recruitment agencies that will be interested in talking with you before you have left the UK.

Just be aware that some newcomers find adjusting to work cultures overseas more difficult than they had expected and it may take a while for you to ‘fit in’ at work.

6. Communicating your concerns to your partner
Sometimes to protect our partners, we are economical with the truth with regards to the extent of how a situation is making us feel. When moving abroad, it’s common to feel unnerved by the fact that familiar tasks and situations suddenly change: your routines, career, family life and financial situation all take a bit of a bashing. Even the simplest of things can become extremely frustrating. Tip: Acknowledge that feeling this way is perfectly normal but also understand that you’re not on your own. If you are finding it tough adjusting to your new life abroad, make sure you discuss it with your partner. Research has shown repeatedly that an accompanying partner’s happiness and ability to adapt effectively has a massive impact on whether or not the expatriation is successful and of a long duration.7. Lastly - set some objectivesBe intentional about how you lead your new life abroad so that it doesn’t just pass you by.

Tip: If it helps you, get some extra support and encouragement from a coach to plan some objectives and tangible actions to help you have the life abroad you’ve always wanted!
I hope you found this article helpful and welcome any views or comments you might have! Good luck!

Rebecca Wells is a life coach, based in Sydney, who specialises in helping expatriates worldwide settle in their host countries more quickly and be proactive about leading the fulfilling and successful lives they want long term.